I talked in the penultimate post about how I was working on getting healthy number one, and waiting on getting a full-time job and moving out of my parents’ house and all the things I want to accomplish until I get right with myself. I kind of glossed over it, or noted it in one paragraph, but it’s a big deal and I think it’s worth talking about more in full.
So basically in December, Therapist pulled out a blank piece of computer paper. And she wrote in the center, “Priorities” and circled it. Then she talked to me about what my priorities were, and we drew a map. Mental health, being financially independent, moving out, writing, having a romantic relationship, being a global citizen, friendships . . . all of the things that matter to me. And she was like, “So you may not be able to achieve all these things simultaneously. And you may in focusing on one of these things, have to compromise on others.” And then she said, “Right now, your mental health is out of balance and needs to take priority.”
It was very clarifying, but of course it took like two or three weeks before I came in and said, “So I guess it doesn’t make sense to be trying to get myself to apply to jobs right now when I’m not healthy enough to apply to more than like two or three jobs a week without getting seriously depressed.” So that’s what I’m doing right now is focusing all cylinders on taking care of myself and getting healthy. But it turns out, that’s really tricky.
I’ve been saying no electronics after 10pm, but what happens when Legion premieres right at 10? And then maybe at 10:15pm, I get a confusing text from a boy and decide that I need to hash it out with friends immediately or I will be up all night obsessing? Or if I’m house managing, and I don’t get back until after midnight, and I decide, “You know what? I’ve been working so hard at making healthy choices right now, I really need to buy myself a reward immediately before I go to bed and it should be this shirt that says, “Men aren’t funny” because, I mean, right?
Or I want to eat healthier, but then it’s also 1pm and I haven’t been out of my house all day, so maybe I should go out to eat and where is there to eat where it’s cheap and not awkward to sit alone but places that sell junk food? Or I didn’t realize the chicken tenders came with fries and now that they’re there it seems a shame not to eat them?
So basically I’ve been doing a shite job of it. Until the day before yesterday I had gone on a 50 minute walk every day and that was great, but now, uh-oh, it’s hard to make that a priority. Also, it is so cold in Virginia right now. Geez.
But I guess my comfort to myself is that we can’t all be Buddha overnight. How many days did he fast under the Bodhi tree before he received enlightenment again? Like, so many, right? And as much as I have truly, truly fucked it up many times, I also have done a pretty successful job many more times. I’m actually doing so well with the sleeping rules that I’m cutting back on medication to help me sleep, and it’s like, a very good thing.
Sometimes I feel like I know what the healthy thing to do is, and I know what the thing to do is that will make me feel better, but I’m not strong enough or I’m not there yet, you know? Like, yes, the right thing to do would be to go to sleep as soon as I get home from house managing, but ugh, that’s for squares and I’m a quirky loveable mess, right?
But I find that if I just say to myself, you know what, this version of you that’s weak and gross and can’t do anything is a lie, you are stronger than you think, that can be very helpful. So what I got to do right now is just believe that despite these recent slip-ups, I am perfectly capable of getting healthy. Ugh. I guess.