Oh blog. I wish I knew how to quit you.
I’ve been seriously thinking hard about quitting this blog over the last couple weeks and I’m undecided. There have been a lot of things I almost posted on. Disney World! Books I Loved in 2016! But I didn’t, because I’m kind of feeling like . . . ehhhh, should I still be doing this?
I love this blog, and it has helped me grow in a lot of ways, and I am forever grateful to you guys for reading it and supporting me.
But I’m also not the person I was when I started it, and I’m at a phase right now where I’m starting to learn more about healthy boundaries and how there are parts of me I’m willing to share with some people, and not everybody. And also my mom recently told her that sometimes people call her to see if I’m doing okay after they read this, and I don’t want to do that to her.
But then I know that to me breaking the stigma of this stuff is so important, and some of you who struggle with some of the same things (or don’t) have told me that this is helpful to you, or helpful to understanding others, and that’s great.
I had a conversation with a new friend a moment ago where I felt like it was the right time to broach that I wasn’t working full-time right now because I’m working on getting healthier mentally, but I also felt like I’ve been down the road before where I do that, and then I start opening up about personal stuff to that person, and it’s not really appropriate. Since I started this blog I’ve tried to be really open with everybody, but it’s also like not healthy to just be walking around like an open wound opening up about your innermost insecurities to everyone you meet. Again, I’m working on it.
So I was trying to navigate like, “Hey, I have this issue I’m struggling with that I want to let you know about BUT ALSO it’s not something I want to talk to you further on.” Which was TRICKY! And it was messy and awkward but I think on the whole I’m feeling positive about it, like I didn’t fuck up nearly as bad as I thought I would. I HAVE WON AT BEING A DEPRESSED PERSON TODAY.
Real talk: I was in some dark places over the past month but I think not in spite of but because of these dark places, I am way healthier than I have been in awhile. I am not looking at jobs or temping, which I feel really guilty about all the time, but I am focusing 100% on getting healthy, which is good. I’m taking all my meds, including meds for health problems I’m having that are not mental! I’m going on a 45-minute walk every day! I’m waking up around 9 am! I’m getting work done for my side volunteer projects! I’m writing every day! I just started some bogus self-help book my therapist kept pushing on me, and I think it might be helpful! I’m trying to make healthier choices eating! I’m not using my computer or phone after 10pm! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A MEDAL PLEASE.
But in all honesty, I don’t so much feel happier so much as I feel, as a small child who just learned to ride a bike once said, happy of myself. I feel like I’m going to have to stick to these things a little bit longer before they become true habits, and I’m sure I’ll backslide eventually, but like, I’m heading in the right direction. We can at long last get back to talking about Harry Styles’ hair.
(A dear friend recently sent me a message that she had just realized she was attracted to Harry Styles, and she didn’t want me to tell anyone because she was too embarrassed, but SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS.)