This week I discovered the only thing about Facebook that does not make me want to pour gasoline all over myself and run into a burning building. It is called the Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary Facebook page and, as Brian Feldman of Select All points out, it is the nicest place on the internet.*
I like it so much. It is a sanctuary out in Tennessee for aged dogs, and the owner posts pictures of the very old dogs that live in the sanctuary, some of whom have no eyes and can barely move. Everyone says how much they love the dogs in the comments. No one is mean. What is to dislike about this?
I have made the first ever MANSFIELD SNARK PERSONALITY QUIZ so that you can determine which elderly canine best suits your character. Then you can go like the page and we can discuss who’s going to move to Tennessee to adopt Oreo and Picky because I want them, I love them, they will be mine.
(1) Which stereotype best describes you in high school?
(a) Class president
(b) The popular quarterback who got a new haircut one time and it was very divisive
(c) The emo poet who was also game to party every weekend
(2) How old does your name make you sound?
(a) Like the ghost of a British baby who died in the blitz
(b) Like one of Anna-Claire’s parents’ friends, who is maybe ten years older, I think, not positive
(c) Like a retiree who goes to Clyde’s a lot and plays pool at Dave and Buster’s (DC area joke, shout-out in advance to my haters for dissing this joke)
(d) Like an old homeless man who thinks aliens control the FBI but friendly, non-violent
(d) ALL THE DAMN DAY.
(4) How much does Anna-Claire like you?
(a) A lot.
(b) Not as much as some people do, but she’s still into it.
(c) SO MUCH.
(d) Nah, but like, it’s cool.
(5) How would you describe your eyes and hair situation?
(a) I am missing both my eyes.
(b) I have both eyes and very soft hair.
(c) I have both my eyes and some gray hair.
(d) I have only one eye.
(6) What outfit best suits your personality?
(a) Hillary Rodham Clinton pantsuit
(b) Probably like a raincoat, maybe like a nice woolen sweater
(c) Ironic tee
(d) Either GQ Menswear or pirate attire, there is no in-between here
(7) What adjective would you use to describe yourself in an online dating profile?
(8) What Hogwarts House are you?
You are Mildred. You are an eyeless pug who is running for president. You listen to NPR and know how to spell Tajikistan.
You are Leo. You are a real ladies’ man and the favorite of almost everybody. You are very good at taking baths.
Bless you, you are Arty. You are mischievous and multi-faceted. You are the subject of one of my favorite tumblr posts of all time.
You are Captain Ron. You make enough fur for three dogs every year. You are very good at sleeping.
*Brian Feldman is also the one who wrote the Pokemon article I posted to the Facebook page, so clearly we have shared interests.