This is a bummer week in pop culture. David Bowie and Alan Rickman passed away. With the exception of the superb recognition of Rachel Bloom, the Golden Globes were mostly just the same drunken mess they are every year. Charlie Puth continues to exist. We are not going to talk about those tragedies here. What we are going to talk about is how, horror of horrors, an INSIDER SOURCE has told Us Weekly that One Direction is officially breaking up. SAY IT AIN’T SO, LADS. SAY IT AIN’T SO.
Now, I know what you are saying: Didn’t One Direction already break up?
ABSOLUTELY NOT. All that happened was that Zayn left.
But didn’t they stop touring?
STOP SAYING WORDS. That was an “indefinite hiatus”. Don’t be rude.
Apparently now they might be really breaking up, and it is very important that we talk about why this has happened. We are going to hear a lot of theories in the next few weeks, but there is only one worth mentioning. Here goes:
Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson were gay lovers but Harry was all closeted and kept pretending to date women for the paparazzi (like going on a yacht with Kendall Jenner this New Years’, wtf) so Louis was super sad and probably cutting himself and now they’re not talking and so the band is over. This is the only theory that can be anywhere near truth when we have accepted all of the facts, and we must all come to terms with it before we can move on.
Oh, I’m sorry, you do not believe me? This is not an original theory! Look, here are 1,253 pages worth of Larry Stylinson fanfic! Just go on tumblr and search for the tag #larryisreal. IT IS THE UNDENIABLE TRUTH. IN TIMES OF GREAT UNREST, LARRY IS THE ONLY THING WE CAN TRUST.
Do not try to tell me that these boys were forced first by a reality show and then record companies to sing and dance for millions since 2010 and they were tired of each other and wanted to move on. They love each other. Did you see the hit 3D documentary One Direction: This is Us inexplicably directed by Super Size Me‘s Morgan Spurlock? No, you didn’t, so you know nothing. This is the tragedy of two young boys in love and one boy was too scared to admit it to the world. LARRY IS REAL. PRAY FOR LOUIS.
Also this is something that pops up if you search “one direction sad facts” on Google Images by mistake:
So pray for Niall as well.