Why Yes, I Do Have an Intriguing Theory on “Hotline Bling”

I know, I know. Everything that can be said has been said about Hotline Bling. We compared his dancing with Elaine from Seinfeld. We made it look like he was playing tennis. We even asked whether it was really about disgraced Toronto mayor Rob Ford. It’s over, A.C. The fifty seconds of internet fame is gone.

NOPE. You’re wrong. Imma watch it again:

I have exactly one thing to say about “Hotline Bling” that I have not seen anyone on the internet say yet. Before I do, let me just say congratulations to this girl. You absolutely are in the right to stop calling Drake and going out more, exploring your sexuality, doing whatever the fuck you want. You are your own person. “Hotline Bling” girl, we should all be more like you.

But I just have one additional thing to say about it and then I’m done. This is it: Are you ready? Okay. The thing I would like to say is that maybe the reason why Drake can’t dance is that he was in a wheelchair for all of his adolescent years after the school shooting.

Because as we all know, Drake/Aubrey Graham/Jimmy was in a paralyzing accident during the school shooting episode of season 4 of Degrassi when Psycho Rick shot up the schoolIn fact, he used to rap at the Degrassi talent show in his wheelchair:

Oh, haha, you say, but Degrassi is only a show. Shut up. I do not blog for you.

Look at this man’s dance moves:

Now say what you like, but that looks to me like someone who did not have use of his legs during a formative period of development. Okay? It just does.

That’s it. That’s literally the only thing I have to contribute to the conversation, but I think it deserves to be said. You may claim that one should grow out their Degrassi phase by their mid-to-late twenties, but I would say you are wrong. Panthers forever. I will see myself out.

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About A.C.

Amateur time-traveler
This entry was posted in pop culture and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Why Yes, I Do Have an Intriguing Theory on “Hotline Bling”

  1. Is it wrong to confess hysterical laughter, a bought of confusion and an expanded awareness of one of the consequences of significant generation gap? Results are in: My musical horizons have been broadened. I wanted to whack a couple of the simpering gals shown and tell Drake ( first name? last name? only name?) that he might look into getting himself a full length mirror. I think I need a Rosetta Stone for the deep stuff here. AC, YOU, however are one cool dish. (-:

    Like

  2. Robert Montenegro says:

    I’m more concerned with his inability to pronounce any of the consonants in the words “hotline bling.” Get this man a speech therapist.

    Liked by 1 person

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