I was all ready to do a blog post this weekend about how I dyed my hair blonde and then I got a call from my hairdresser yesterday at 3:30. It turned out my appointment was at 3, not 4 like I thought, and I had missed it. We rescheduled for Tuesday at 6.
This kind of stuff happens to me all the time. I forget the right time or I double book myself. I’m always having to reschedule with people because I forgot that I had something else at that time. This past semester, I incurred the wrath of an angry professor when I accidentally scheduled my work placement the same time as class. “The academic world exists so the punishments for when we make these kinds of mistakes are less severe, but in the real world if you double book a meeting . . .”
When I was first diagnosed with ADHD, it was a welcome relief from being told that I was bipolar. All that energy I had was not mania, but hyperactivity. Which made sense because it wasn’t like I was happy or super confident for periods of time. My anxiety was caused by untreated ADHD, and my depression by untreated anxiety. Antidepressants and mood stabilizers didn’t work on me, so the idea was to try ADHD meds. And it worked.
At first I wasn’t so sure. I knew I had trouble focusing in class and I got bored easily, but so do many people and I had been misdiagnosed so often by that point it seemed unlikely. This past year I’m starting to feel like my ADHD explains a lot. I love reading, as anyone who knows me knows, but I have to put a timer on my phone to get myself to read for a set period of time without checking the internet or walking around these days. My room is always a mess, because I put things down and then forget about them. Sometimes late at night when I can’t sleep, I’ll start jumping up and down in place because I have all of this nervous energy inside me. Even writing this I have a gazillion things open on my computer and I keep pausing to look at different things. (This new One Direction song, you guys.)
The medication I’m on is called Strattera: it helps in a gentle way over time, instead of hyper-focusing me for a short period of time like Adderall or Ritalin. It seems to help with my mood, but in terms of actually addressing the ADHD, I have no idea. I’m still really scatterbrained and have trouble focusing. Adderall or Ritalin would probably increase my anxiety, so for now, Strattera is the best bet. But it’s still a constant struggle to remember to write appointments down or to finish tasks. Whenever I’ve interned at a 9-to-5 desk job, it’s torture trying to get myself to sit in the same chair for hours and I always have to pretend to need the bathroom to stand up. I’m really worried I won’t be able to hold a regular job because it’s so hard for me to focus like a normal person.
Anyway, hopefully Tuesday I’ll have a zippy, hilarious post about dyeing my hair blonde. Thanks for sticking with me while I figure out what this blog is.
Cartoon from Ruby Etc.